I learned something terrible on Twitter today. And really isn’t it always Twitter?
The new line of demarcation of old age isn’t getting your AARP invitation, it isn’t your lower back pain, it’s not being confused at Kroger, and it’s not being oblivious to Tik Tok.
The new line of demarcation for old is the Brimley/Cocoon Line. More menacing than a line in the sand. More serious than the Manigault Line. More complicated than a country line dance. The Brimley/Cocoon Line is coming for us.
One crosses the Brimley/Cocoon Line when one has lived 18,530 days on earth.
Actor Wilfred Brimley was on this earth 18,530 days on June 21, 1985, the day the movie “Cocoon” was released. Brimley starred in “Cocoon” and his character was ANCIENT, old as dirt, older than even your grandparents. Brimley was so old only alien intervention could save him. If you’d have asked me to guess, I would say he was at least 80 back then.
Nope. Brimley starring as Ben Luckett was 18,530 days old, or to use another unit of measurement, he was 51.
Let that soak in, 51. To refresh your memory, I mean if you’ve crossed the Brimley/Cocoon Line, you need me to. You probably also need someone to explain BlockChain, too, but we’ll do that another time. In “Cocoon,” Brimley and his group of codgers have been shuttered away in a Florida rest home. They are sad, hunched over and decrepit. Here’s how I know I’m old. I think a rest home in Florida sounds kind of fine; they have a pool and the beach.
Anyhoo, an alien pod thingy is hidden in the pool. The codgers figure out that swimming in the pool is a fountain of energy and health. They swim and pod energy cures what ails them, puts a pep in their step and pep everywhere else years before anyone ever heard the term Viagra. Also, Steve Guttenberg is in it because, as I told you, it was a movie in 1985. Don Ameche, Jessica Tandy, Hume Cronin and Gwen Verdon are also delightful as heck as Brimley’s rest home buddies.
But that’s all beside the point. Wilford DIE-UHBEET- US Brimley was only 51 when it came out.
Enter the Twitter account the Brimley/Cocoon line: The Twitter account publicly marks the day when the celebrity crosses the Brimley/Cocoon Line.
It caught my eye because Owen Wilson just crossed the line. Yep, he’s Wilfred-Brimley-starring-in”Cocoon”-years-old. Recent Tweets congratulated Hugh Jackman, Will Smith and Naomi Watts for being on the other side of the Brimley/Cocoon Line. The entire surviving cast of “Eight is Enough” is now over the line after Adam Rich — Nicholas, the baby of the Bradford family for the love of Ralph Macchio — recently crossed over. Tiger Beat poster boy Willie Ames is actually over the Lansbury/Murder She Wrote Line of 21,534 days.
It’s all just another reminder that the clock is ticking. I am staring down the Brimley/ Cocoon Line. Luckily, as I said, Hugh Jackman is already there. Maybe I can get in line right behind him? Wait, stop the presses, all of Duran Duran is over the line! Maybe I’ll cut in line ahead of Dave Grohl and Jason Bateman; I mean they’re right ahead of me.
Originally Published in Monroe News